U.D.S. – Useless Dad Syndrome

It’s safe to say we grossly underestimated the “no sleep once baby gets here” remarks.

I guess it’s one of those things that you have to learn the hard way.  Like: half of your undergrad freshman class will be gone next year, or not to pull a rubber band too far.  I mean, I recognized that I wouldn’t get any sleep, but I didn’t recognize I WOULDN’T GET ANY SLEEP.

Little Lady is just over 3 weeks old and I’ve been a busy guy if you couldn’t tell from the lack of blog post.  I’ve been fighting symptoms of a new illness I created called “useless dad syndrome.”  Useless dad syndrome occurs in many try-hard new father’s and is more prevalent in nursing (breastfeeding) families. (Once again, this is self-created don’t Malachi Love-Robinson me please).  What is Useless Dad Syndrome you ask as if it’s not obvious by title?  Let me explain.

A newborn has a pretty sweet life, sleep, eat, soil diaper, repeat or combine.

One of those duties can be handled all by their selves, when an infant is breastfeeding one can only be handled by mom.  When a new father wants to do a bunch and baby really only wants to eat, he’s pretty useless.

Here I was bright-eyed and ready to show the little one how great of a father I was and every time I picked her up she was crying for breast milk that I didn’t have.  (There is nothing more demoralizing than holding a crying baby that is continuously head-butting you in communication that you cannot help her)  I almost went into a slump but instead I did some thinking, I asked a few friends and real physicians and came up with 5 tips on finding a cure:

1. Boo-Boo Brigade – I play a lot of video games, so I looked at the task objectively. Mommy is the feeding specialist, what am I going to study?  Remember the last third of the newborn life cycle, soil diapers.  I became the diaper specialist of the household, every time that Pamper’s (get me endorsements please) line turns from yellow to blue, Pops is on duty.  I’ve turn into a diaper changing machine actually, I wake up in zombie-like mode, swap those diapers and back down to sleep.
2. The Finger Pacifier – This is the physician recommended tip. We were lucky enough to meet with a lactation physician before leaving the hospital and she taught me the finger pacifier.  Place a clean pinky or index finger in baby’s mouth and softly rub the roof.  The good thing about this is it teaches the baby proper breastfeeding technique, she bites her own tongue if she tries to bite the finger and consequently learns not to bite Mommy’s nipple.  This also soothes and calms hungry baby while mom prepares, is busy or sleep.
3. Massage Therapist – I got this one from my good friend Big G who told me he did this while suffering from U.D.S. Instead of being useless while Mommy is feeding, give mom a shoulder or foot massage.  It keeps you active and Mommy will be a little nicer to you because of it.
4. The All-Arounder – This is my favorite of them all, just be useful.  Pick up stuff including but not limited to: Baby, pillows, trash, dishes, blankets, prescriptions, food, formula, etc.  Most likely you are a lot more mobile than Momma.  Use your mobility to be the all-around house maid, arm extension and errand runner.
5. The Dozer – The most important thing that you can do when you feel like you’re useless is SLEEP. Get sleep lots of it, if you are useless right now, better to have the energy when you need to be used.  Every wink is important in childcare TRUST ME (or don’t and learn when you’re writing your own blog about it.)

Remember, a Father’s role in a child’s life is just as important as a mother’s.  Children should have both for best outcomes, as long as you’re trying to be present you aren’t useless.

Comenzando…Redux…

If the 48 hours prior to my little lady’s arrival are any indication of what’s to come for the rest of her life…I need to find a disposable set of nerves on eBay(everything is on eBay). Let’s go back to Wednesday shall we?

The wife, the mother-in-law, and I ventured to the physician’s office for a 39 week check-up/last minute ultra sound.  The ultrasound showed Little Lady was measuring larger than “preferred” and check-up informed us wifey was not dilated at all.  Besides filling our heads with terribly scary birth horror stories(so many nightmares of shoulder dystocia) we were faced with a couple options:  We could wait another week to see if mommy’s body prepared more for birth and risk the issue of baby growing even larger or we could schedule an induction and trail birth.  We went with the latter.

The next day we arrived at the hospital at exactly 10:41 ante meridian (my nerves remember?) and started the induction.  (I’ll save some of the details for the nauseous). However, after 24 hours, a foley balloon,  #TGIT, an epidural, Yeezy Season 3, several different positions on a peanut ball, and an uncountable amount of trips to the cafeteria we were in full fledged labor.

It always happens so fast, and is so dramatic on the TellLieVision.  Don’t be fooled “Popz” out there, induction and labor is pretty bland.  Add the part where your wife’s and child’s heart rate and blood pressure can suddenly drop for no apparent reason and you create the most boring nerve-wrecking situation possible.

Nonetheless, we were here, “1-2-3 Pushing.”  The light at the tunnel (beginning or ending, dependent on if you’re father or child).  We could see Little Lady’s head and I was shaking with joy to hear that she had a head full of hair….

Then it happened again…Little Lady’s heart rate dropped dramatically and there were more nurses and midwives in this studio than med school.

I was informed that the baby was indeed crowning but the way that her head was positioned she wasn’t going to come out safely, the best advancement would to be perform a c-section.  This was something that we were prepared for as it was brought to our attention in prior weeks due to her size we knew might have to happen, but we didn’t think it would happen when she was RIGHT here.

They prepped momma for surgery and I was left to more racing, nerve-crushing thoughts.  The surgery went smoothly, until extraction, we could distinctly hear “Pull” and “She’s out.”  Momma and I waited behind the veil waiting to hear her cry, or them to say something about her weight, or size or anything but for a dramatically long amount of time there was nothing.  No panic, no triumph, just nothing.

dramatic pause.

Then we heard it, her little cry, and I was asked to come around and meet my daughter.  I was told that she wasn’t breathing when she came out but after cardiopulmonary resuscitation(CPR) she was breathing fine, she was taken to the ICU for an hour and showed no signs of having problems.

So sometime in February 12th, my wife is going to deliver(ed) a little girl…

…her name is Shane Michelle and I think she’s going to be  awesome.

(Excuse the watermark, ain’t nobody paying for these high-priced packages)

 

 

The Mommy Glow

I’m a creep…

Not like, Ray J, Robert Kelly creepy, more like RonReaco Lee as Reggie or Jamal type creep.(Didn’t get the reference, don’t worry).  Being the creep that I am it is no revelation that I am infatuated with my wife.  So, I promise, after today, this blog will be more story and informational driven, and less shout-outy going forward.(Don’t hold me to it)  But none of this would really be possible without my beautiful wife, emphasis on beautiful.

I was going to give a background story of her gumption and intelligence, and how she is finishing her Master’s program this spring and all the other additions to a great triumph insert BUT…this isn’t about that!  It’s about her being gorgeous and her beauty growing seemingly exponentially while being pregnant.  I’ve always heard of this pregnant glow, where moms-to-be are supposedly bright and shining, flowing with confidence and exuding everything that is great about nature.  Turns out EVERY WORD OF IT IS TRUE!

There is something about a woman that you already think is stunning, carrying your future child that makes her more attractive.

 It very well may be the fact that her hair and nails (and breast) are growing, but I’m thinking it’s something more psychological than that.

I may be archaic and I apologize sincerely for being a caveman.  Pregnancy to me is a fond reminder of the beauty of nature and the essence of creation.  A “SisterQueen” walking around all tubby bellied is God’s greatest showing of woman in her pure form.  I encourage all fathers in my situation to keep the love up and let your woman know how amazing her new form is.  Not only because it’s true but because you’re grateful.  Half of the appreciation comes from the fact that she’s not only protecting my daughter but caring for her in a way that I never could.   Some of my love can be accredited to being a first time parent, I’m getting to witness a totally new version of my Wife;

not only are we birthing a child, we’re birthing a mother.

P.S. Love you baby 1/20.

 

Baby Shower Attendees

I’m an event planner.  Not by career, not even by hobby, I guess it’s more of by stubbornness.

I have this mix of controlling and perfectionist complexes, where it’s kind of hard for me to let others do things I’m capable of.  Most times, I forget to rule in being capable doesn’t perfectly align with being available.

Nonetheless, I’m an event planner.

I put together some 20-30 plus events in my undergrad involvement with student organizations, fraternities and volunteer groups.  I planned my own listening party for my album, I planned my own wedding.(I even got a stern talking to for trying to plan and not participating in my best friend’s wedding) and just recently:

I planned our baby shower.

The shower went pretty close to perfect besides the cake being BLUE instead of PINK the first go round, but I even managed to get that straightened out.  But planning the shower wasn’t a big deal at all, attending is what is up on trail right now.

I’ve heard that co-ed baby showers are the new trend, and my wife told me that she would be highly upset if I didn’t attend ours.  I have 6 older sisters and 12 nieces and nephews, needless to say, baby showers aren’t an event that I’m unaware of.  BUT, I was raised to think that they were only for women.  In fact, with all those nieces and nephews around me, the first baby shower I ever attended was in a college breakout room for a friend.  I will say, I have a clear understanding of both parties and ultimately this is decision for the party host and the parents, but here are a couple things I’ve learned from my baby shower tenure:

1. If both parents are attending, but there are only women guest;  this is a direct form of torture for the father – It is with good intent but almost no man wants to be in this position.

2. If the shower is co-ed, remember the cause. – Mixing friends and family of both sexes, free food, drink and, open dialogue can lead to a “kick it” session rather than a baby celebration.

3. An all male baby shower doesn’t exist.

After enduring two baby showers for my little one, one being co-ed, the other being lesson #1, my opinion is that baby showers should be all women.  The reason I say this is because the baby shower allows for women both mothers and expecting mothers to have unfiltered conversations about pregnancy and childcare.  Although, I am one of those rare men that is very intrigued by every aspect of expectancy, just because I’m comfortable doesn’t mean everyone else is.

 Those conversations about “womanly” things need to happen, and the baby shower is the best place for them to happen.

Disclaimer:  I've never planned any event ENTIRELY by myself, I am awesome but not that awesome.  Thank you to those that helped me plan those past events and the baby shower :-)

What are your opinions on baby shower attendance, I'd love to hear them?


(Anybody want to see the cake, it turned out pretty great.)

 

My Best Friend’s Wedding

A great father, friend, and I’m sure that he’ll be a great husband..

A paraphrase of the ending of the best man speech I gave this weekend.(It actually ended with lots more love yous and verges of tears, but that’s what I was trying to say at least).

In my last post I spoke about my best friend, frat brother and role model, who was getting married in 8 days. Those 8 days passed and on December 12th, 2015 the Hunt’s had a beautiful ceremony and I had the most fun I’ve had all year easily.

I’ve always known that my friend was a great father but during the wedding weekend I got an in-depth look into just how busy and awesome fatherhood is.  He has 2 sons G(5) and Little G(1.5), and although the maid of honor, mother-in-laws. and 2 best men tried our best to keep the stress levels as low as possible; we learned very quickly that parenthood doesn’t stop because you’re planning a wedding.

Throughout rehearsals, set-ups and getting dressed the bride and groom rolled with the punches and catered to their kids.  To us, it was tremendous, to them it was nothing short of a daily routine.

I don’t think the respect I had for the two could reach any higher levels, but it definitely did this weekend.  I’ll end this post with a simple “I Love The Hunts,” to once again save us all from verges of tears.

The Brotherhood and Fatherhood

“A Toast To The Baddest Frat!”

…A Phi A is where it’s at!  Today marks the 109th Founder’s day for Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Incorporated.  I have been a Brother of Alpha Phi Alpha for 6+ years(my tenure is rising).

Although I don’t consider myself an entrepreneur(I do own businesses), none of my many ventures would have happened without some great men of Alpha Phi Alpha.  The ability to “lean on the shield” at most times is what gives me the the confidence to create and jump out on limbs.

When I first pursued my career as an artist, I traveled to universities across the state of Illinois and to this day before I’m announced I feel a slight nervousness standing backstage.  Usually at that moment, the host would bio my affiliations and accomplishments, and I could count on a resounding “’06” to give me all that was needed for my performance.

As I returned to my Alma Mater for my first official keynote speech, I remember seeing my neophyte brothers at the front-most table and in that instance feeling like I could do anything.

There is certain expectancy that I will look to the Brotherhood for Fatherhood.

My best friend, role model, and Ship(read as LB below the Mason-Dixon; read as “frat brother” outside of greekdom) is a father of two(and marrying his fiance in 8 days).  He has been my confidant in all panic and how-to situations so far and he can look forward to me wearing his ringer out for future days to come.  My prophyte(read as “big brother” outside of black greekdom) was married 4 months after me, and found out he is also expecting a daughter, 2 months after my own.  We’ve been learning as we go and building with each other every step.  These are two brothers that walk with me during this transition, but the list of great fathers I know in the Brotherhood is endless.

An amazing father and brother of Alpha Phi Alpha passed away exactly 11 months prior to this day, Stuart Scott.  His daughters started a campaign for today using the hashtag #raisedbyanalpha. The idea is “to show the impact that Alpha men have at home raising families as fathers or mentoring others in their communities.”  You can check out the live feed of the Instagram photos added HERE

Alpha Phi Alpha has taught me tremendous transferable skills, many that I will transfer into being a Father.  The Brotherhood has also played an integral part and shaping me as a better man, a man that my children can look up to an endear.   For that, I’m grateful…

Image Credit: David SJ McCarthy

Who Ya Wit?

 

Origin Story…

John Gunter, Sr.

My Father.(if not obvious)

Is where I got the name of the blog (and John Earl) from.  I call him Daddy(pronounced Dead-DEE, in this type of southern drawl that I somehow gathered as a 2 year-old living in Illinois), however, whenever I first greet him in public, I always say “Ay, Pops!”  Mainly because it’s sometimes awkward to be a 26-year old man screaming “Dead-DEE” outside of the local barbershop.

I usually go on a rant bi-annually, during his birthday and Father’s Day about how he is the most awesome father(man) to exist ever.  Today is his birthday…

My main fear going into Fatherhood is that my daughter won’t have as great of a dad as I did.  That sounds hyperbolic I know, but it’s true.  Being a black man in America is difficult, being a good father is also a demanding task.  Trying to be both seems to be impossible, but watching my father, I never realized.

Let’s get the back story:

John, Sr.  was born in Columbus, MS to a rather poor family.  He had a father that was lost in transition and a new one that was… Well most importantly he had a mother who was a teacher and upheld education above all other things.  John started working at the age of 15, becoming a truck driver(how?) and he never really stopped after that.  He married his High School sweetheart, had a daughter(Barb) and went off to fight in the Vietnam War.

During Vietnam, John suffered a few battle wounds.  He was shot 3 times, once in the back, once in the right calf, and the most tragic in his left hand.  He lost his left hand and from that moment on was forced to use an amputee hook.

---

SIDEBAR: In remembrance and honor of the wound my father suffered, since I was about 12 I’ve rolled up the left sleeve of any shirt I wear and/or do not wear a left sleeve at all.  I’ve been doing this for over a decade and he just found out today when I called to say Happy Birthday.

---

Pops was awarded a Purple Heart as he became a Veteran and returned home.  Realizing how valuable life is, he returned to his wife and first born and did what any man would do.  Created 6 more children!  If it wasn’t bad enough to have 7 little ones, the first 6 were daughters.(If this were the Theresa’s mom riddle, the answer would be I’m the baby boy) Somewhere in the middle of his pursuit of happyness he started working for the Government as a Senior Personnel at an Arsenal Fort.  He threw away a PTSD alcoholism problem, accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior, climbed the tax brackets steadily, earned a Bachelors and Masters Degree in Business Administration, and was fiscally able to send all 7 children off to college.(A couple finished)  He retired in 2012 when I completed undergrad, seemingly, his work was finally done.

If you’re ambidextrous-brained, you’ve gathered that being in Vietnam and retiring in 2012, Pops is close to 70.(He turned 69)  So there’s the amazing Rags to Riches story about how he made being labeled “Jr” a tall order.  Not to mention that he is “handicapped” but the only thing I’ve ever witnessed him not be able to do is button the sleeve button on the right wrist of his dress shirts.(He can tie his shoes and has a mean crossover for goodness sake.)

But, more importantly than all of the flash and fuss.  Daddy taught me everything that there is to know about being a great father.  My only problem now is I’m not sure if I paid attention enough.  It’s like I have a final exam to take in February and I’m trying my best to cram from years of lecture.

Is it “do what I do, not what I say,” “this hurts you more than it hurts me,” which side of the plate does the second fork go on?  How early is too early for ice cream?

 

Comenzando…

John “Rewind” Gunter, Jr.

During the weekdays I’m an IT Security Engineer for a Fortune 500 insurance company and a Georgia State University Computer Information Systems Masters Candidate.

During the weekends(and by night) I transform into a Rapper, Spoken Word Artist, Author and Professional Speaker(whatever that means).

Although I seem to have most things figured out(I don’t), it doesn’t matter much as all is about to change. Shortly my occupation list will have Father added to the beginning.

I decided to document some of my life; I’m BLACK, Married, and a Father and somewhere in history we were told I and others like me don’t exist anymore.  I’ve never been anyone’s father before and as a Millennial no idea sounds better than fumbling through parenthood by recapping moments honestly and humorously for others to read daily.

So sometime in February, my wife is going to deliver a little girl…

…her name is Shane Michelle and I think she’s going to be awesome.

 

This is heavily a work in progress so bear with me as I get housekeeping in order.  If you have any thoughts, ideas, questions, wants, or ANYTHING, find the contact page and shoot me an e-mail, OR leave a comment below.